How to be organized when you share space with a loved one.
How do you get a leopard to change its spots? It is nearly impossible to solve a problem when half the partnership doesn’t see it as one.
Tim and me, the day we moved into our first house, 10 years ago, when we thought living together would be easy.
“Hi, my name is Heidi. I am a professional organizer. I help people sort through their possessions, decide which items to keep and how to store them so their house functions efficiently and joyfully.”
“Oh my gosh! My wife NEEDS to meet you!” or “Could you get my husband to get rid of some of his stuff??” are the most common responses.
I often hear clients tell me their house would be more organized if their partner would get rid of stuff or put things away. A survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that around 62% of couples in the United States argue about household chores. It is common in most relationships for one partner to be more organized than the other. One partner may feel frustrated by the other's clutter, while the other may feel unfairly judged or pressured to change. This can lead to tension, resentment and can act as a barrier to intimacy, communication, and mutual support in relationships.
A clutter-free environment isn't just visually appealing; it can also cultivate harmony, reduce stress, and foster a deeper connection between partners. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology suggests that organized homes contribute to better family functioning and I have literally dozens of anecdotes to support this.
But how do you get a leopard to change its spots? It is nearly impossible to solve a problem when half the partnership doesn’t see it as one.
This post provides you with five suggestions you can implement today to encourage your partner to get and stay more organized. Not everything works for everyone, but one or two of these is bound to strike a chord and help strengthen your relationship with your partner, and your home!
Lead by example:
Remember that time when you wanted your partner to change something about themselves? So you nagged them and kept reminding them and telling them what it was that needed to be changed. And then they did what you asked and you both lived happily ever after!
No. That's because it never happened.
People don't change simply because you ask them to. And the more you nag, the less likely they are to change. Whether it's teaching your kids good manners, trying to instill a healthy lifestyle, or keeping the house organized, the best approach is to lead by example. As the great Michael Jackson once said “I'm starting with the man in the mirror.”
Several of my clients have said after we've had a few sessions focusing on their things, that their partner has inexplicably cleaned out the garage, or started getting rid of some of their clothes.
Leading by example can be a powerful catalyst for behavior change.
Observing others successfully engaging in a behavior can provide social proof that it's possible and acceptable. When individuals see someone they love demonstrating a behavior, they may be more inclined to follow suit. It is also motivating to see someone you care about receiving tangible results from a specific action, and often inspires others to emulate that behavior.
Rather than nagging your partner about what they haven’t done, go through the house and pick up everything that is yours. Give it a home, and practice maintaining that order. Start fostering habits that keep your clothing and objects tidy. Others in your house might see this behavior and start to do the same. Not to mention, it's hard to tell what’s what when it’s all jumbled together like an I Spy book, but after you’ve dealt with your own clutter, it might become obvious that everything remaining belongs to one person.
Label everything:
I used to work in an office as an operations manager and my coworkers would tease me that I would label anything that was standing still. But everyone knew exactly where to find an HDMI cable or extra highlighters.
Labels are a way of communicating expectations and holding people accountable. If the drawer says “batteries” it is unlikely someone is going to put lightbulbs there.
Want proof? Does your family have a silverware drawer? Nobody puts a spoon in the compartment with the little jagged edge meant for forks, do they?
Clutter often accumulates when people don’t know where to return something. When everything has a clearly defined space, anyone can easily find what they’re looking for and can put things away without question.
That leads into…
Meet them where they're at:
Some people are inherently more tidy or particular about their space than others (✋). That doesn't mean that people can't practice organized habits. It just means they might need a different system.
One of the things I do with clients while developing custom organizing solutions is to remove any barriers inhibiting maintenance of a system. If the client has limited mobility, we don’t use the lower cabinets, so they don’t need to bend. If we’re working in a young child's toy room, we use picture labels instead of words so the kids can learn the system from the start.
Observe your spouse or partner and create systems that compliment their behaviors, rather than fights with them.
For example, your husband never puts away their clean laundry, but rather works out of the basket. Maybe they hate to fold or it takes too much time. Establish a system of bins or drawers for each type of clothing so they can be dumped into a pile but remain sorted by category (and label them for good measure). Maybe it’s because they like to see what they have all at once. Use S-hooks on the clothing rod so hanging is quicker and clothing stays in view.
More often than not, when a house isn’t organized, it’s the system, not the user. Read more about this in my 5 Non-Negotiable Rules to an Organized Home.
Hire a professional organizer:
Have you ever suggested something over and over, only to be blown off, and then your husband’s friend suggests the same thing and suddenly it’s a good idea?
Calling in the pros can really bring a lot to the table not just in giving you creative ideas for organizational systems, but also helping people see things from a neutral third party perspective.
We work with a lot of different families and individuals and can often help peel back some of the embarrassment and frustration about the disorder and get to the root habits. Often this helps couples to talk about the issues more openly. While we are not typically trained as a relationship counselor or therapist, we know what questions to ask in order to learn about your situation, and can often help think of creative solutions or shed new light on a problem.
Additionally, having a third party in your home while you’re going through items can encourage couples to play fair. Organizers see it all, but often couples don’t want to air their (figurative) dirty laundry in front of me, so they discuss things in a more rational and respectful manner than they would if they were alone, arguing late at night after a long day.
Please note: Do not ever bring a professional organizer into the home without discussing it first with your partner and making sure everyone is on board. That’s uncomfortable for everyone and can make your partner feel attacked or “ganged up on” which will only backfire.
And that brings me to my final point…
Explain why it's important to them:
Sometimes I need to run an errand after I pick my kids up from school. They’re tired from their long day and just want to go home, but I have to make a stop at Target, so I tell them if they’re cooperative and don’t complain, we’ll get cake pops. Some call this bribery. I call it marketing. Now they’re invested; I have their buy-in.
Individuals naturally prioritize their own personal interests. It’s not selfish, it's our inherent survival technique leftover from thousands of years ago.
Finding the right motivation for your partner might be the game changer to get them onboard.
For me, being organized helps me relax. My brain produces more cortisol when the house is messy, and I feel more anxious. When I am anxious, I have a more restless night's sleep and wake up crabby. My husband, however, can have a perfectly lovely night's sleep with stuff all over the floor and dirty dishes in the sink. Asking him to clean up so he will sleep better is total nonsense.
Find your partner's angle and respect their needs. Maybe being more organized means you can keep better tabs on what you have, avoiding over spending on unnecessary items. Maybe a tidier home means you have more energy to watch the kids on the weekend, and he can play a round of golf. Maybe keeping the clutter down helps build pride in your space, and encourages you to have guests over.
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Navigating shared spaces with a loved one can be a journey filled with both challenges and opportunities for growth. Understanding and respecting each other's motivations can pave the way for collaborative solutions that enhance not only our physical surroundings but also our relationships. By implementing these strategies with empathy and patience, we can create harmonious spaces where both partners feel valued and supported, fostering a deeper connection and a more joyful shared life.